My Single Girl’s Guide to Singleness

Darling Days

Oct 10


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Would you believe me if I told you I haven’t been on a date in over 2 years?

Instagram: the platform of the century. Being a #typeA blogger who is constantly on Instagram, I notice a thing or two about the way the platform behaves, i.e., couple photos, dating photos, engagement photos, marriage photos, etc. The Instagram algorithm takes these photos, measures the way people interact with them, blows them up, the likes are #insane, and subconscious positive reinforcement tells us: (insert robotic voice) more more more, guys guys guys, must have boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend. Walking into a season of pumpkin patches, thanksgiving plans, and Christmas sweaters — single girls, don’t fret — I’m with you and this post is for you. Because when it comes to our photos, our daily to-do’s, my holiday plans, or who I’m texting right now – you betcha a beau/boyfran/SO is MIA, missing, gone and I am with you.

All my not-so-single ladies: I promise if I followed you, I would like all your couple photos *in a heartbeat* because they’re adorable and this post isn’t dedicated to bashing dating or marriage (gosh no way! marriage is a gift from God!), it’s to propel a message that society doesn’t usually propel and draw a boundary that’s keeping my single girls from attaining everyday peace. Here’s the lie: it’s that must-be-wifed-up-ASAP-in-your-20’s-or-post-college-otherwise-you-don’t-have-it-all-together, which is instilling and preaching a message of fear — possibly even making some girls stay with guys who aren’t the best thing for them. Causing single girls to search heavily through dating apps, swipe right, left, yada yada until you can barely keep your eyes open at night because you’re frustrated and just so…

tired.

All my single ladies: this post is written to encourage you, lift you up, and keep you in a state of praise (instead of a grass-is-greener-victim-spirit), because guess what: you’re in a good place. I’ve been single for over two years, not one date, nada nothing. And let me tell you something, with hard work, community, self-awareness, and *a whole lot of Jesus* – I’ve found the sweet spot. Singleness is so. much. fun. and good for your soul, but it has to be done right. Here’s how:

  1. Align your focus: Fixating on what you don’t have is never fun. The grass-is-greener mentality blends up one big mess of jealousy, obsessiveness, and takes the cake for stealing your peace. SO let’s flip this – view your situation as – you have been given the gift of a season of singleness to find *you* *right now*. Your person is going to be so thankful you went through that time of self-searching and got all your “stuff” figured out before you gave it over to them. (ha!)
  2. Tailor your time: If we spend our time and energy focusing on finding that special someone, there’s no time or energy left for us. When I first was newly single, I thought I had to be on dating apps and go to the bars because that’s what single girls had to do. Plain and simple … it didn’t work … and truthfully it’s not where I wanted to spend my time. I’ve now learned I prefer going to bed earlier so I can have early morning quiet times, get-togethers with friends that end with dinner and don’t last the whole night, watching Netflix with Chloe and cuddling up with a candle nearby. I prefer these things, and I’m rewarding myself by sticking to what I want to do – not what the magazines tell me to do.
  3. Find besties who are in the same place: There is nothing harder than listening to your BFF talk about boyfriend drama (all day long) when you’re still #single. Find friends who are in the same place as you. One of my best friends and I cook dinner weeknights, go on bike rides on the trail, take work-out classes, keep busy via healthy ways and there are no boys invited. Good company always helps steer away the lonely jitters; but make sure you find friends who are encouraging a healthy lifestyle, not one that tears you down.
  4. People can sense confidence – own it: Know your worth. Know your strength. For me – as a Christian – this has been a spiritual journey. Finding my identity in nothing but Jesus is a truthfully daunting and difficult task, but relieves stress and the pressure of secular society telling us our identity is in who’s holding my hand, what my job is, what I look like, or how many followers I have. Once people (and guys) can sense that confidence in who you are, they’ll pick it up on it instantly. Hint hint: confidence is attractive. Spend your single time striving towards confidence (however you may find it), then wear it everywhere you go!
  5. May the force be with you: I think it took me 25 years to realize I can’t force anything in life. When you are forcing things that aren’t meant to be – life is just plain difficult, nothing’s going right, you’re getting all frustrated, there’s no peace, you have this crappy gut feeling, maybe you’re not sleeping well, dreaming weird things. You know how it goes. Don’t force something that just simply isn’t meant to be. Let the force be with you not against you. Pray about it, write about it, or get counsel from a friend. The goal in this situation is to go with the peace. Not against it.
  6. # Treat Yo’ Self : Honestly though, you’d be spending money on a boyfriend anyway (l-o-l). Treat yourself, girlfriend. A pumpkin candle, a delicious cookie once in awhile (in my case gluten free), a really cute new pair of shoes. You deserve it. In the words of Justin Beiber (but in a much nicer way), love yourself.
  7. Don’t play the comparison game: Your co-worker’s, best friend’s, sister’s timeline isn’t your own. It’s just not. Comparing myself to others’ timelines has been an issue in the past and it was time to just let it go. Think of it this way: you’re figuring out a lot more about yourself than they are – so give yourself a big pat on the back. I feel like the idea of comparison can put some girls in that I’m-going-to-end-up-lonely-forever-must-date-the-first-male-I-see-on-Bumble mindset and it’s hard to pull yourself out of it. You’re on a one-lane track. It’s yours. Allow your single life to preach a message to other girls, and find your peace in where you are–and let it shine, girlies.
  8. Hobbies are totally underrated: I feel like I never hear about hobbies anymore. Was that like a little kid thing? For me – one of my most soothing hobbies is writing, but I also enjoy work-out classes, biking (although I don’t even own a bike, ha), getting out and doing things. Getting a breath of fresh air or simply turning off the smart phone is underrated and it does help. It does!
  9. There is such a thing as the perfect timing: I know you hear this all the time, you’re Aunt Bertha saying “It’ll happen when you least expect it!” or “It’ll happen when you’re happy with you!” or “Just wait on God’s timing!” I’m not here to preach as your aunt Bertha, but I am here to second the idea that there is peace in trusting the process and trusting the timing of your life milestones. Fixing, controlling, planning … those words are just plain exhausting. Words like – being, trusting, waiting have a more soothing and calming effect. Don’t you agree? Trust, wait, and be still and wait for that perfect timing.
  10. Throw your hair back: And just simply enjoy your life, as it is now! Honestly, I don’t know why being single has such a bad connotation and why southern culture (in particular) wants us married so quickly. In my case, these past two years has been some of the most fun, exciting, stress-free years of my life. Girls, girls, girls. Use this time wisely – you have the of your w-h-o-l-e life to be with your soulmate, (that’s a longgg time). Live it up and enjoy it while you can.

At this point in my life, my daily joy, peace, and walk is not associated with a guy and there is a lot of freedom in that. However, everyone’s journey is different and mine is subject to change! What is your story? What are your tips for living a fun and single life? Would love to hear from you! XOXO 

 

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  1. Morgan MCLain

    This blog post SPEAKS to me. I have been single for over a year now and it’s the longest I’ve ever been single. It gets really tough sometimes because all my besties are in relationships. I sometimes feel like I’m not enough or that I can’t be loved but the truth is… THAT’S NOT TRUE AT ALL! Seeing posts like this helps me feel like I’m not alone in the world. I also live in the south and the whole “ring by spring” or “married before 25” notion is constantly pushed at females and it’s important to know that isn’t everyone’s story. Thank you so much for sharing. You really did make my morning! 🙂

  2. Amanda Stein

    Jessi, I seriously want you to date // marry my brother. I KNOW – maybe not the exact comment you were going for, but I’ve been thinking you two would be such a great match for SO long and after seeing this, girl I def had to let you know about it! You’re seriously such a catch, it’s unreal! I loved this post and truly wish more women had this same view. We must start viewing our time alone as a great opportunity to truly get to know ourselves and ENJOY it! Before I was married, this time to myself allowed me to develop my independence and lay out MY dreams for MY life; something I never would have developed if I was constantly with someone. Good for you, girl! Love this!! Xx
    http://roseoutlook.com/

  3. Joy Day

    Where is your headboard from?

  4. Sabrina

    Loved this post!!!!!!! Preach it girl

  5. Jennifer

    I LOVE this post! I haven’t been on a date in over a year! I like the thought of finding my own voice and self. My one friend got a bf a year ago and I feel like he’s all she talks about now and rarely hangs out with us more. She was suppose to come with me to pick up my puppy and when I confirmed the plans with her the day before, she said she couldn’t because it was “Anthony’s dad’s birthday and they were going out to lunch!” Why does she need to go celebrate his dad’s birthday! She doesn’t. It just really pissed me off. Then she went over a month without even asking about my dog after I got her. But this post is seriously the best!!

    Jennifer
    Effortlessly Sophisticated

  6. Jessica McGill

    This post was such an encouragement to me! There is such a pressure today for us ladies today to have the perfect boyfriend, and it can create a LOT of insecurity. This was definitely what I needed to read today, thank you so much for being so honest and wise! You are such a great example in so many ways!!

  7. Tomi

    You are soooo right! I went to a school down south and the whole “ring by spring” of your junior year was real! It’s amazing how serious a lot of young women take it. We’re so young! There’s no need to rush into something where we barely understand ourselves. Thanks for the encouragement! xx, Tomi
    http://goodtomicha.com

  8. Catherine

    Thank you so, so much for this post. I love checking my inbox and seeing a message from The Darling Detail, but I NEEDED this one today. Thank you for sharing, I could not agree with you more <3 Definitely going to come back to this post when I need another reminder that everyone's timeline is different!

  9. Tabitha

    I absolutely love this post! I’ve been single a little over 5 years now with dates in between and let me tell you, I’ve had more fun and joy growing up and discovering who I am and what I want in life. I don’t think about being single and finding somebody, but the only time it starts to annoy me is when people start to make comments about it; “Don’t you want a boyfriend? Why are you single? Just put yourself out there.” Very annoying, especially living in the south in rural areas where it’s almost expected for me to have a husband and three kids. We need more messages like yours about removing that stigma to singleness and openly embracing it instead with joy.

    Tabitha
    https://shopsiloe.com/

  10. Marina

    I’m married but wow girl I love this!

  11. Kate

    I’ve been in a relationship for two years. Prior to that, I was single my whole life lol. I remember my friends always saying that being in a relationship is not all that it’s cracked up to be. I couldn’t wait to have my first boyfriend (lol I was desperate). Now that I’m in this relationship, I can’t imagine my life as single. And yes, the couples photos on Instagram are arorable. But all of mine are posed. It’s not realistic. But I still love them
    Kate || KATE KOUTURES

  12. Mary-Katherine

    I got married young and absolutely love being married, but I do feel like I missed out on those “single years”. This post is so wonderful and I hope girls who read it take it to heart because these are years that are so formative and can really help them in the long run! I am so grateful for my husband, but I will admit it is harder to “find yourself” when you are busy giving of yourself to your spouse. It is certainly a trade-off and being married was the plan that God had for me, but I am so glad that you’re inspiring other women to really take advantage of this time and take peace in knowing that God has their plan worked out in His timing.

    xo Mary-Katherine
    http://www.goldhattedlover.com

  13. Natalie Hedberg

    I LOVE This post…I’ve been single for 7 years (I’ve dated off and on, but nothing serious) and it took me a while to learn these lessons. This time is IMPORTANT and so much fun. I’ve been able to travel, learn, enjoy, and do things I wouldn’t be able to do if I were attached! I’ve also learned what I’m actually looking for in a future spouse (and I may have found him…stay tuned)!! As for the hobby part of your post, I feel like a lot of us women used to be SO creative. I LOVED working with oil pastels when I was a kid. I recently was wandering the aisles of Hobby Lobby (<3) and stumbled upon a set. Bought them, and I've been creating for weeks now! Do things that bring your heart joy, and the right guy will come along to bring you even more joy. Self love is so important. Keep it up, lovely! God bless!

  14. SARAH SANDITEN

    hi friend/inspiring soul sister! I LOVE this post and how open you are about the things that you experience as a blogger. It is reflected in your writing! But most importantly this speaks volumes to a lot of girls’ hearts including mine. I don’t know if we are programmed to think a certain way or if our society raised us to think that we need certain things in our lives but it is definitely true that we always look at what we don’t have – or better yet – don’t have YET. good things take time. God puts us in seasons of our life that we get through and it’s really special to get through them with you, together. I am so thankful for you. who needs marriage when you have darling detail to power you through any given day? thank you for your words of encouragement today and everyday! you have a gift…

  15. Jackie Kay

    I love that you wrote this kind of post. I have yet to see one like it, and it means a lot that you took time to put this together. xo.

  16. Krystin

    Love, love, love this, Jessi! I just want to soak up every single word of this post!! I am actually in a long-term dating relationship of 8 years, but we still aren’t engaged or married at the age of 25. I still struggle with so many of the points you hit on every. single. day. Playing the comparison game is a slippery slope when you’re watching [what seems like] everyone around you experiencing a life phase you so badly want to experience yourself. But what you said about finding peace in waiting and trusting in the Lord’s timing is so full of Truth! I can’t tell you how many times over the past 3-4 years I’ve tried to FORCE something to try and “keep up” with other people’s relationships/what society tells me is a “normal” timeline for a relationship – and all this has done is lead to stress and anxiety and doubt instead of the peace and comfort that comes with being fully content with exactly where God has you at that moment. Thanks for opening up and sharing – I really needed this reminder today! 🙂 xx – Krystin

  17. Hannah

    I love this post, I really needed to read it as someone who’s always wanting more.

    Hannah
    THEBEGINNINGOFHANNAH.COM

  18. Michele

    So much yes! Single girl here as well! And honestly this is something I would write! From dog to workouts… All of it is how I feel now!
    @afitandfabulousmichele
    http://Www.afitandfabulousmichele.com

  19. Jessi

    I ADORE THIS. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. God bless!

  20. Paloma

    Amen sister, I’ve been single for about 2 months and sometimes I thinks it’s fhe worst but other times I have to trust in god and know that things will come when it’s my time . It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one out there . You’re an inspiration and this post opened allowed me to see a different perspective

  21. karisparis3

    I haven’t read your full blog posts before, but am so glad this is the one I’m reading! Since I’ve been single the last number of months, I’ve really been able to focus even more on devotions and my relationship with God. It’s been a blessing and it’s nice to read how not alone we all are! Thanks for the post and I’ll say a prayer for you today :). -Karis xx

  22. JJ

    Truth! Do you have any idea what it’s like to work in a small unit with women age 22-30 DYING for rings, engagement, “being a MRS” getting married, getting pregnant, having babies, wifed up etc etc etc. Lord that is enough!!!! This post is everything. I am over the obsession. No disrespect to the non-single ladies but my God life is not just about your significant other. People are literally consumed by this idea. Thank you for preaching to the choir!!!!

  23. Kassy

    I’m newly single & ive been having such a hard time. This post came at a great time for me and it is nice to hear your tips on how to embrace this new beginning.

  24. Yasmin

    Girl, this is awesome . I wish I thought like this 3 years ago. I got married right after I graduated and had a baby soon after that. I live for my baby and hubby, but sometimes I think if I waited a little and used some ME time to build my own dream before this, I could be a better wife and mom. I hope more girls start thinking like you.

  25. Brennan

    Love this post! Exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you! ❤️

  26. kaylee

    I really love this blog post. I am still in college & I often feel like I am missing out on something that all my friends currently have. It is very hard being the single roommate or the single friend. I really am going to try to keep these tips and tricks in the back of my head the next time I get down on myself. Thanks for sharing!!

  27. Mandy

    This post is amazing! Thanks so much for sharing! I loved every little piece of it and can relate so much!!

  28. Amy Arnold

    I love this. So strengths based and positive written from a faith based perspective.

    Amy Ann
    Straight A Style

  29. Jules

    Your post rang so true to me! I loved my single life and didn’t get married until I was almost 27. It truely was letting go, being me, all the things your blog post said:) When I was happy and content it was some of the best times! Thank you for sharing your heart!! I love your personal posts. Xoxoo

  30. Chloe Isabella

    This was so helpful! Super encouraging😊👍🏻🙌🏻

  31. Ariel Mobley

    I absolutely loved this post!! Being a single girl in college has been so hard. Everyone thinks that you are supposed to go to college to find a husband, especially when you are from a small town.This post has opened my eyes to how truly blessed I am right now. Thank you so much for sharing this! It is so uplifting to me right now.

  32. BoNnie

    Jessi, You Rock!

  33. Hannah Beard

    Thank you so much for this post. I have been really struggling in my quiet times the last two months since an official break-up after 6 years with a guy. Who knew a picture that showed up in my Tumblr feed and looked like my cousin would lead to a Google image search and then this post! Thank you for being brave and sharing and letting God use your words to encourage and comfort others!

  34. Rachel Qualls

    I absolutely loved this post! It is so encouraging and just what I wanted to hear. It helped me reinforce that it’s okay where I am in life.

  35. Emily thompson

    Hi
    My friend sent me your blog post last. Last night I broke up with my bf of 2 years and 8 months. I should’ve broken up with him a long time ago but I was afraid of being alone and losing a really great guy. What I didnt know was that in the mean time I was comprising my value, confidence and overall worth. Last week when my relationship w my ex started to get worse, I was full of emotion and down right miserable. I begged God to save our relationship but at the same time i prayed if it wasn’t his will that he would remove the desire in my heart to be with my bf. And last night God gave me clarity and removed the desire to be w my now ex bf.
    Now, I’m overwhelmed with confidence not only in Christ but in myself! Something that I thought was long gone! I’m relieved and grateful for Gods grace through it all.
    Thank you for sharing your wisdom! It’s been an encouragement as I start this new chapter of my life.

  36. shannon

    It’s refreshing seeing posts like this! Most of the other bloggers I follow are in relationships and don’t reflect on their time being single. As a recent “single sister”, I need more posts like this in my life! This is empowering for women, especially as a post-college 25 year old, I often feel ostracized for being single. Posts like this are a reminder that not having a partner, does not mean you’re alone!

  37. Chris Kennedy

    Wow wow wow, what a great read! I’ve been there and feel your pain. So wonderful that you have a great outlook on life & Love! Stay positive & love will find you 💕 You’re so worth it!!

  38. Jen

    Needed this today so much! ❤️

  39. ShanNan

    This was amazing for me to read. I just got cheated on and dumped within a few short days and was feeling very low. Seeing this article brought me comfort and hope. I love the spirituality involved. Thank you for the post!

  40. Theresa

    Best thing I’ve read. Needed it after the crappy weekend I had, so crappy I didn’t make it to work today. Thank you for sharing xoxo

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